Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
