How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
