I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
She announced her abortion via fbk
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
