five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
