Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
