i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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