I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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