OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
What a dumb baby whore.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
