you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
