At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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