Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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