Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
