my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
