I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
