some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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