I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
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If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
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If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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