The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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