My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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