I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
