....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
high people should be assigned attendants
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
