I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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