If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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