My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
