worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
