I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
