i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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