I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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