sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
