i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
