I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
