It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
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