you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
