I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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