So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
