So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
