can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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