if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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