I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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