Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
