Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
