What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
