And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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