she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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