Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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