my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
