mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Just invented taco cereal.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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