He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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