Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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