We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
