how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
