Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
