This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
