Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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