I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
