Betty ford says i'm here all night
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
