He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
