guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
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