Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
