A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
