I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
